enJOY it

project life 2013 : week 23.

July 7, 2013

It's week twenty-three and I'm playing catch-up while the baby sleeps.

click the photos to enlarge for a somewhat clearer image.

Week of : June 3 – June 9.

What happened this week? It was a quiet, "waiting for baby week." My mom got into town on Friday and we spent the weekend running errands and prepping the house.

Anything special in the spread? I added a 5×7 insert to hold my June to do list. Super simple… I copied the text from the blog post into PSE and printed on a 5×7 piece of cardstock from Paper Source.

The backside of the insert is a postcard from Urbanic that I've been hanging onto for no particular reason. I love when I can find a use for this random stuff I save.

Techniques this week : Nothing special, that pocket with the sequins was sewed shut last week so I knew I'd be working around that. Love "look-through" embellishment pockets.

Overall thoughts : I am pretty sure many of these photos were actually taken during week 24. But things were a blur there as we waited for baby and the last thing I wanted to do was work on this album. Surprisingly, today – it's all I wanted to do. I wanted to start getting some of these photos into the real world. I wanted to play catch-up a bit.

Ratio of iPhone photos to "real camera" photos : 6 to 4.

Ratio of photos taken by Elise to photos taken by Paul : all Elise.

Supplies used : Seafoam core kit, Paislee Press calendar card & transparency printable, Kelly Purkey "everything is wonderful" sticker, letter stickers & sequins, red/orange flower card was cut down from a letterpress greeting card I've had forever, Paper Source cardstock.

Tools used : Design A pocket pages, 5×7 pocket page, Fiskars corner rounder, Zig Millenium pen, Rotatrim paper trimmer, Office Depot date stamp, staz-on ink. All photos were printed at home on my HP Photosmart 2575 printer on Office Depot semi-gloss photo paper.

Project Life is a memory-keeping system created by Becky Higgins. I use photos, text and stuff to document our life weekly. You can see all the posts from 2012 here and 2013 here. Do you have a question about how I am tackling this project (including anything about the photos)? Check here.
a few favorites from today.

July 3, 2013

Playtime in a mama-made onesie. We're in that in-between phase where the tiny newborn stuff is getting a little tight but she's swimming in the 0-3 month stuff.

Oh, my sweet girl, you are so loved.
i want to remember : from the hospital.

June 26, 2013

There were bright spots in my hospital stay in the moments after Ellerie was born late in the afternoon on Thursday until we left Saturday evening. Much of the stay was just awful. But the tender moments were so wonderful. These are the small things I want to remember.

I want to remember her first cry as she was pulled out from my open belly. I was relieved she was out and alive and more than anything I was relieved it was over. I had tried. I had surrendered. I had offered up her safety to the doctors and they were able to get her out. The relief was instant and immeasurable. I sobbed.

I want to remember that after she'd been cleaned up a bit and wrapped they brought her to my head. My little girl was here. My oxygen mask was removed and I wished her a happy birthday. I love you, Ellerie. I said over and over as I sobbed and shook uncontrollably from the medicine that was keeping me numb.

I want to remember seeing Paul holding her as I was wheeled into recovery. I think one of the first things he said was that she was 21 inches long. How is that possible?! I thought. We're short people and our little one is tall. I want to remember Paul holding out my phone and showing me all the love and encouragement that had been pouring through via text messages while I was stitched up.

I want to remember that moment where I really felt like she was born. The moment she was handed to me and I finally became a mother. My face shows it all. I was so shattered. So overwhelmed. So relieved she was healthy. So honored to have the responsibility of this tiny one and really just so thankful it was over. I had my prize and she was perfect.

I want to remember her latching onto my left breast immediately and the feeling that God knew I needed this small but mighty win.

I want to remember holding her and feeling her move in her tightly wrapped swaddle. Her kicks and motions were exactly like what I had felt in my belly for so many weeks. This baby that I had dreamed about was here. She was and is my dream baby.

I want to remember that rough Friday night when none of us – Paul, me or Ellerie – slept. It was awful, but there were good parts. I want to remember hearing Paul whisper into her ear. Tiny instructions that I could hardly hear but seemed to calm her down. I want to remember Paul standing over my bed as I tried to nurse although there was not enough milk yet for her to drink. We were all so frustrated. I told Paul, "it's okay babe. This part is supposed to be frustrating."

I want to remember when she fussed while being held and passed from person to person before finally being handed to me. My voice calmed her instantly and in that moment another birth occurred. I felt like a real mama for the second time.

I want to remember sliding her gray and white striped pants on her wiggly body and seeing her in real clothes for the first time. Such a simple act but something I had thought about doing before she was born. So few things transpired like I imagined they would so the little things were huge victories.

I want to remember pumping and our concern for capturing every single drop of colostrum to pass on to Ellerie. "It's hilarious that we are so worried about these drops," Paul said. "Soon we'll be drowning in milk." It was exactly what I needed to hear.

I want to remember on Saturday when I belly laughed over something Paul said and felt like my insides were going to fall out. The laughing hurt my swelled mid-section so much. I realized in that moment I hadn't laughed in days. I had smiled, of course, and felt happy, of course, but I hadn't laughed. It felt good to feel pain that was caused by laughter.

I want to remember the first time I was alone with her and picked her out of her plastic bassinet. We stood in the middle of the room and I swayed back and forth. I made up and sang the first song she ever heard. "I love you, I love you, I love you, I love you. Mama loves you. Mama loves you. Mama loves you and Papa does too." I sang it on repeat over and over and still sing it to calm her. This is remarkable because I cannot sing.

I want to remember that those first few days were so hard. They often felt impossible as I dealt with the incision pain, major swelling, poor reactions to pain medicine (my body HATES pain medicine) plus the hormonal release that comes from growing and expelling a human being. But I also want to remember that every few hours it got better. My range of motion increased. The fog lifted. The room came into focus. My heart grew.

I want to remember.
on her name.

June 25, 2013

Ellerie Eve.

pronounced : el-er-ree. think hillary (hill-er-ree).

I have known for years that if I was blessed with a baby girl I wanted an "e" name for her to match mine. For a long time, Eleanor was the front runner for us (we both liked that it was the name of the President's daughter on West Wing and P liked that it was the Sam from Lord of the Rings daughter's name).

But then I started hearing it more and more often and though I think popularity is not an issue to even consider if you LOVE a name, I was open to other options.

In October 2011, while Paul was on deployment the first time, a friend of mine told me about her family friend who had named their daughter Ellerie. "How do you spell that?!?" I almost shouted. I loved it. I had never heard it before and it was perfect. I emailed Paul the next day that I had heard a brand new "e" name and it was my new baby girl front-runner. (We were no where near pregnant, but this odd behavior is common for me.) Paul responded that he really liked it and was curious about pronunciation. For the next year it stayed the front runner and then in late October 2012, we found out I was pregnant.

So Ellerie was her name before she was conceived, before she was confirmed to be a girl and before she entered the world.

Yes, we considered other names. I read on baby name forums that "Ellerie" was a lame name that sounded made up, that sounded masculine, etc. etc. etc. I fretted about spelling (the "Ellery" version is more common and many people think "Ellorie" when they hear it). But then I realized two things – one, I LOVED it. Paul loved it. It was unique without being bizarre. And two – spelling errors happen when people are lazy, not when names are different. I read somewhere that Anne Hathaway's name was spelled wrong on her Golden Globe. I mean COME ON. The name is Anne and she's super famous. If that can be spelled wrong, any name can.

We struggled with a middle name. Eve was finalized about a week or so out from birth. I worried that the double E was lame. But then realized it sounded wonderful and honored a very special women from my childhood. She was not a grandma, but she may as well have been. I know she would love Ellerie so much and is for sure smiling down on us from heaven.

And now my Ellerie girl is here. In the flesh. The name fits her like a dream and everytime I say it or hear it, I know we picked right. It will grow with her well, I think.
paul & ellerie.

June 24, 2013

before we left the hospital & before her first sponge bath on the kitchen table.
family of three.

June 24, 2013

On my list for June, I mentioned wanting to get a Perfect* Family Photo. Spoiler alert – we didn't. Instead we go this one.

It was taken this morning before Paul headed to the airport to finish off deployment. It's blown out. I'm basically crying. Ellerie is not even facing the camera. The background is not awesome – those are for sure a pair of blue underware on the couch arm. But that's us. The three of us today. We're a family and we're doing well. Really well.

The really good news is that Paul will be coming home much sooner than expected (like always, I cannot be specific online with when because it's military travel). The really bad news is that he's now gone.

In my head, I wasn't too worried about Paul leaving. I knew it would be sad. I knew he'd be away from Ellerie and that would be tough. But I also knew I'd have help from my mom. I figured, "help is help." It's just two people tag-teaming the never-ending needs of a newborn, we'll just do it.

And then Ellerie arrived (via long and painful labor that ended in c-section) and I became a mom and Paul became a dad. In the hours that followed, Paul also became husband of the year. He had the needs of Ellerie to tend to and then the needs of his physically and emotionally shattered wife. The things he saw and helped me through… I can't even. I cannot even. I am so thankful that he was here to help get me through that labor and eventual surgery.

Over the past few days, we all rode a roller coaster. Paul was the rock through the whole thing. It was like he'd already rode the ride 1000 times he was so good at it. My phenomenal partner and Ellerie's fantastic dad. I can't express how much I'll miss him and his help. He's so good with her and so good with me and somehow kept it all together for us all.

My word brave has tested and strengthened me over and over this year. But I gave it a workout last week and will continue to push it's boundaries in the next few. I'll cry. I'll laugh. I'll be weak. I'll be strong. I will have help. I will need help. And I know I will get us to the other side the way Paul somehow got us to day four. Then we'll be back as three – sharing the successes and struggles and growing together.

*I do have a lot of PERFECT photos that I will share eventually. Right now, priority one is the little lady (obviously) and priority two is rest (of course) and priority three is telling these stories and getting down these thoughts. Writing here is how I process information. This space is where I feel like myself and how I grow and heal.
welcome ellerie

June 20, 2013

We are thrilled to introduce Ellerie Eve Cripe.

Labor was long, humbling
and tough, but thankfully, mama is recovering well and baby is healthy
as can be.

7 lbs 9 oz / 21 inches / June 20 / 3:46pm
still waiting…

June 18, 2013

…sometimes patiently, sometimes not.

It has been really wonderful to have these past few days as two. Because I was diagnosed with gestational diabetes and am therefore considered higher risk, there is a plan in place so I do not go too far past my estimated due date. We are comfortable with this and are so excited that the next part of our adventure will be starting soon.

Thank you so much for your thoughts, prayers and well wishes.
father’s day & normal.

June 16, 2013

In my head, I always thought June 16 seemed like a good day to meet our
tiny one…long before I realized it would be Father's Day. And now it's
here and I don't think she's coming yet, but this still feels like the
right time to honor Paul and this unique time in our lives.

When Paul walked down the stairs at the airport, late Friday night, we
hugged and kissed tightly and the outside world of harsh lighting and
tired people melted away. Two. We got a moment of two before three. Of course, priority one is that the baby comes when she's ready, but getting at least a day of two was huge for both of us.

Baby
girl, who had just spent the past hour dancing, was quiet – no kicks – as
we walked to the parking lot.

I opened my wallet to pay the ticket, shaking a bit with nerves, as you tend to do after your partner who been gone for four months suddenly
appears in front if you as if by magic. (If "magic" = a long chain of delayed flights).

As I fumbled with the machine, Paul scratched my belly with one finger and asked, "how's she doing?"

So simple, so sweet, so normal. Deployments are funny. They turn normal
upside-down. As a defense mechanism and to keep yourself sane, you forget "normal." When you once again have the privilege of such basic interactions, they
hit you straight in the chest.

Oh yes, this. This, you remember, is why we do this. This is what I signed up for.

"She's good. She's so good."

Happy Father's Day, Paul. Whether our girl comes tonight, tomorrow or next Saturday, you're already her dad. We love you.
together.

June 15, 2013

On Sunday, February 3rd, I dropped Paul off in a parking lot on base so he could deploy with his unit. We hugged outside the car and I cried into his chest. "What if she comes before you're home? What if this is it?"

"Be strong, Elise." he said.

About half of me wanted to punch him in frustration. I didn't want to be strong. I wanted to be 21 weeks pregnant and not alone. I wanted our life to be normal. I wanted my husband to live in my house with me all the time.

But the rational half nodded and sniffled and told him I loved him and got back in the car. I sobbed openly and drove home.

The next day, I headed down to San Diego and saw the house we had just bought. And the next four months and 11 days were a whirlwind. I closed Escrow, packed up a house, moved to a new place, decorated it to what for us is perfection, worked on various projects, battled a mouse in the kitchen and kept growing this little baby. And, of course, I had days where it sucked and days where I cried and days where I was anything but strong.

And now, 19 weeks later, we're nearly through it. Paul is home on leave for awhile. He's here. He gets to see this house we bought for the first time (he's a fan!). He gets to sit on the chairs and eat at the dining table and live in this space that I (but really we) built over the past few months. Baby girl waited for him, so now we'll wait for her. Together.

We get to be strong together. We get to become three together.