enJOY it

an archived personal and craft blog from Elise Blaha Cripe.

@ 31 weeks.

31weeks
photo processed with Afterlight for iPhone. dress from Nordstrom.

I have become a little…emotional. Things that make me cry in no particular order: seeing newborn baby photos on my instagram feed (and there are approximately one million these days), whenever anyone mentions how much they love their mom, noticing my finger tips have bruises from finger sticks, 80% of the dances on Dancing with the Stars, not knowing what I want to eat for dinner, almost every TV love scene, that horrible Excedrin commercial where somehow the dad didn't realize his wife was having quadruplets until they were all born.

But the worst was last week when we were planning dates for when Paul could come home. I have truly made peace with him not being here for the end of the this pregnancy. I have made peace with him getting back a bit late and missing the birth. I know it will be okay.

On this conversation though, we were scheduling for the other end, the day he'd return to deployment a little over a week after arriving home. I have talked with my provider and know how far past my due date I'll be able to go before we start talking induction. If we make sure Paul is home for the potential (though hopefully not needed) induction date, then we guarantee he will at least not miss meeting the baby. (Because surely that would be the most lame…to get him all the way here and then have baby girl plant herself for 10 days.)

So with that day in mind, we counted forward and I realized, surely not for the first time, but for the first time in this emotional state, OH MAN, he'll be leaving us. And my heart broke. It broke for him, having to get back on a plane after falling in love with a tiny human he helped make. It broke for me, having to watch him go, this time with the overwhelming task of caring for a newborn. It broke for all families who go through this hot mess that is deployment and especially the ones who are not blessed with the ten days together we are so lucky to have.

Paul, who knows the drill, sat quietly on video chat as tears ran down my cheeks. He didn't ask if I am okay (because of course I am and of course I am not all at the same time). He didn't say it will all be okay (because of course it will be and of course it will not all at the same time). I smiled and wiped my eyes and he smiled back.

"I know, babe." he said.

We are 31 weeks deep. In nine weeks plus or minus, we'll become parents and the real journey begins. I couldn't ask for a better partner on this adventure.

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94 responses to “@ 31 weeks.”

  1. Good Luck Avatar
    Good Luck

    Good luck. You’ll make it.

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  2. Ffion Avatar
    Ffion

    My heart breaks for you too. You’ll get through this. All of you.
    Stay strong!

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  3. Amanda Avatar
    Amanda

    Oh, Elise, I was almost in tears reading this. You are such a remarkable woman and you are going to be a remarkable Mom! Sending you so many happy wishes and good vibes! And thank you, as always, for sharing your story with us!

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  4. T. Avatar
    T.

    O God, now I am in tears and I am not even pregnant. Be brave, be strong.

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  5. Jess Ankney Avatar
    Jess Ankney

    Talk about emotional. At just about 29 weeks I’m right there with you! I can’t imagine this journey without my other half right there next to me – but you do it with such grace! Sending love and prayers your way as you continue this journey, well beyond the coming weeks and months…soon have your hubby right there next to you caring for your precious little one.

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  6. sherried Avatar
    sherried

    Elise,
    Sitting here with tears in my eyes and I’m not pregnant. Prayers are with you three!

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  7. chloe Avatar
    chloe

    Haha. Reading everyone elses comments who are in tears and I’m sat at work fighting them back! I can’t imagine how tough it is for you guys, but at least you have each other and everything is going to be okay!
    Plus, you’ll have a little one to keep you happy!

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  8. Carole Avatar
    Carole

    In one year, you’ll be planning a “She’s One!” party and talking about the whole birth and Paul’s leaving, and his coming home again… for good that time… and as you think back to THIS, it’ll be a shake of the head and a “that was CRAZY!” And then you’ll move on, because that is what you do. 🙂 Prayers for you, Elise. What will be, will be. And it will be good.

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  9. kate Avatar
    kate

    Elise, you are awesome. This post is a heartbreaker. What an amazing time in your lives and you’re handling it with such bravery and strength. Thank you for sharing your story.

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  10. Gretchen Avatar
    Gretchen

    Ok I’m 25 weeks pregnant and THIS made me cry!!!! You are so strong and are doing great… keep it up Girl! Thanks for sharing your journey 🙂

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  11. Hanna Avatar
    Hanna

    I’m not pregnant and not married to a military spouse but I have three little ones at home and have tears in my eyes reading what you wrote. Hugs and prayers for you and big thank you to you and Paul for the sacrifice your family is making for the rest of us.

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  12. natalie Avatar
    natalie

    so much love to you & paul. praying for comfort & peace as you embark on this wonderful, beautiful adventure together- no matter the many miles apart. xo

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  13. jennifer mcneely Avatar
    jennifer mcneely

    Oh, I am so sad for both of you – I can’t imagine how he feels to have to leave his girls and for you to have to say goodbye again. But you are so strong and this will make you both stronger. Baby girl will not remember anything of this so she will be fine. And so will you. Hugs from Canada

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  14. Kendra Avatar
    Kendra

    Know you are in good company…….all of us who have had the privelege of caring people inside our person know this emotional rollercoaster well. And it doesn’t change much even IF dad undeployed. You can do this.

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  15. Ilona Avatar
    Ilona

    I’m not pregnant but now I am in tears…
    Cross my fingers that baby girl knows her schedule 😉 and you are together for this special moment!
    Thanks for sharing Elise!
    Thinking of you!

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  16. Nicole Avatar
    Nicole

    Oh man. Now I have tears streaming down my face. I can’t even imagine how hard this is for both of you. You are amazing! Big hugs!!!

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  17. Denise M Avatar
    Denise M

    Sitting here with tears streaming down my face. I have been in your shoes and it isn’t easy for sure. Hopefully everything will work out and baby girl will arrive soon after he steps off the plane to maximize your time together. Your blog emits so much strength and bravery. My husband deployed again this week so I am super emotional. I can only hope to quickly find that peace and be okay (but not okay). Big hugs from upstate NY

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  18. Lori Avatar
    Lori

    Oh, I’m just crying. Holding my 6-month old and my post-pregnancy emotions are apparently running high. I will keep your beautiful little family in my prayers and continue to send positive vibes your way. I know you’ve got this. You know you’ve got this, but that doesn’t ever mean it’s easy. (In fact, I’ve determined that anything involving kids from conception onward is never easy! The only thing that is easy is loving them; the rest…Oh my!) Anyway, this will work out- it just has to, and you’ve certainly got a huge support system, even if through a virtual world, praying for you guys and hoping that it will all work out allowing the three of you to have maximum time together.

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  19. Val Avatar
    Val

    What a bittersweet time for you. My husband is former Army and although we did not have our daughter while he was active, I can understand your feelings. Stay strong and know that a lot of military spouses (past and present) are praying for you. I haven’t even met you or read your blog for all that long, honestly, and I’m proud of you.

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  20. Deborah Avatar
    Deborah

    Well, get used to that emotional thing–it stays with you…forever!! Once my first was born, just about everything I see, hear, read and experience brings on the tears! And that was 13 years ago! You can so do this. Because that is really what becoming a mom is all about–being capable of the unimaginable, under circumstances which seem impossible, with strength that borders on incredible, all because of love that is unconditional. 🙂

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  21. Jennifer C Avatar
    Jennifer C

    Ugh I feel for you Elise…you made me cry. Reading your post made me think of all the emotions and hormones that hit right after a baby. They are CRAZY. I pray that you and Paul will have the strength to shine through all of it. I know you will have an excellent support team. Hang in there!

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  22. Krista Avatar
    Krista

    Oh Elise. I got tears reading this. I know the feeling of your man leaving on deployment … again, but I never had to do it while expecting a baby. My thoughts and prayers are with you guys over the next couple months and after baby girl arrives. Big hugs!!!

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  23. lori Avatar
    lori

    girl you are making me cry too just reading this and I am not pregnant! But yes, you are right it will all turn out okay!
    Sending you all big love from NH
    …mom of 3 daughters…

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  24. Kelli Avatar
    Kelli

    You are an incredibly strong woman! 🙂

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  25. Amy Avatar
    Amy

    Well now I’m crying too! I’m so looking forward to this all happening for you, it will be wonderful 🙂 xxx

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  26. ~Michelle Avatar
    ~Michelle

    I know it’s hard. But consider, if you didn’t go thru this, you would not have been able to buy a house, or the car, or shop, or anything, bc you would be buried under with loans for medical school. It’s a choice you made, and it is a good choice. The short term is hard, but the long view is wise.
    Plus, all this makes you a stronger person, and you will need that to raise a strong child to a strong adult.

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  27. Megan Anderson Avatar
    Megan Anderson

    Okay, now you’re making ME cry. Sending you love and good thoughts. You’ll get through the tough parts and the wonderful parts, and then it will be mostly just wonderful parts.

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  28. Leigh Anne Avatar
    Leigh Anne

    I teared up for you just reading this. Your entire family is cared for by many many more people than you know 🙂

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  29. lindsey Avatar
    lindsey

    oh, dear, you will be great because as mothers we do what we have to, it is automatic you will see! the good news is newborn time flys by. good days and bad they both speed past you and soon they are sweet memories that make us who we are. the best advice i got before having kids (we have 2)was to remember that nothing is permanant with babies, both for them and for you. it feels like it will always be in one state (sore nipples, teething, reflux, no sleep) but it will pass. also to remember that they dont even have memories until, like, 3. this is reassuring when you spend the whole day crying or upset! i found this whole idea of non permanace very forgiving and hopeful. it helped me to press the restart button and not stay frustrated all day long when i had a bad run during the night or in the AM. you can(and will) do this!

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  30. suetreiber Avatar
    suetreiber

    I teared up reading this post. You are so strong and will be ok no matter what happens. Wishing you much happiness.

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  31. Heather Avatar
    Heather

    I’m newer to your blog, but just wanted to say how very brave I think you are. I can only imagine how difficult this situation must be – for both of you.

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  32. Melonie Avatar
    Melonie

    Ok so now I am all emotional too and I am 10 years postpartum:) You (and Paul) are always SO strong and SO brave and never cease to amaze me but this post was extra amazing. You said it all in the last few lines of your post. You’ve got this Elise…and if some days you don’t…that’s ok too. ((hugs)))

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  33. Mel Avatar
    Mel

    Things that have made me cry today: this post. My heart goes out to you both!

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  34. camille Avatar
    camille

    be brave, elise! 🙂

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  35. Danielle Avatar
    Danielle

    Us military wives truly know what the word sacrifice means but that’s what makes us as strong as we are! You clearly have so much positive thoughts and vibes coming your way from everyone! Just remember, having a baby there will be a million moments to experience and missing one or two is nothing compared to all the others experienced. I’ve been in your postion twice because of two deployments. You can do it- you are brave!

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  36. Amanda M. Avatar
    Amanda M.

    My husband left about 3 weeks after my youngest was born {for only a week!} and I thought it was the end of the world….I can’t even imagine what you must be going through, especially with it being your first! You seem to be a strong girl and having prepared yourself will make it a little easier…..I hope anyway! Prayers to you and your family. “This too shall pass.” 🙂

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  37. Sandy Avatar
    Sandy

    I’m all choked up at work reading your post.
    When your baby girl flash her first smile, sound out her coo, grab on to your finger while nursing or feeding a bottle, and her sweet breath will make you forget anything and everything:)
    All the best to you, Paul and baby girl.

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  38. Rebekah Hanna-Lozano Avatar
    Rebekah Hanna-Lozano

    Like the others, my heart is breaking for you, too. Even though you don’t know most of your readers personally, we are in the background of your life, cheering you on. I’ll be praying for the three of you during the next few months, as you await the arrival of the 2 people you love most, so you can finally be “three’s company” at the end of his deployment. ❤

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  39. amy t schubert Avatar
    amy t schubert

    amen 🙂

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  40. Maria Avatar
    Maria

    Agree with all the comments. You look fabulous by the way.

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  41. Katie Avatar
    Katie

    And now I’m crying for you and I’m not even preggo! Thank you for sharing this incredible adventure you’re on with the rest of us. Your vulnerability is both refreshing and touching. I’ll be thinking of you and sending happy thoughts your way!

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  42. kayla Avatar
    kayla

    oh elise, sitting at my desk at work with tears in my eyes. you are a brave girl. and you’re so strong. how blessed you are to have a village of family and friends (and paul!) to love and support you through this season. thinking of you!

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  43. Jenny Avatar
    Jenny

    Remember, that while this is a huge occurrence right now, it is a small fraction of your life. That thought really helped me when I was having a rough time with my last one after he was born. My dad was around for my birth and my sister’s, but mine he was so woozy, my mom kicked him out and my sister’s he missed it parking the car.
    You will make it through. I wish that somehow I could physically help, but know that you’re in my thoughts and prayers!

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  44. Leah Buckley Avatar
    Leah Buckley

    like everyone else, this made me tear up. i feel for you so much.
    (a tiny little practical tip: if you do your finger sticks on the sides of your fingers, it hurts and bruises less!)

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  45. Kristy Avatar
    Kristy

    Beautiful. Beautiful writing from a beautiful mother. Seriously – you look great! It will be hard, but you will be able to do this. Before you know it, you will all be back together again.
    Thankful for all of the sacrifices military families make for our freedom!

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  46. Pidgen Avatar
    Pidgen

    I’m not married, pregnant nor do I have a child … and I’m crying!!! You put this perfectly, because it’s okay and because it’s not okay at the same time. There are so many of those moments in this life, but surely, this one that you are in has to be the biggest “is and isn’t” situation. Prayers for you … because it’s okay to fall apart, and it’s okay to keep it together, all at the same time.

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  47. Leigh Avatar
    Leigh

    What a wonderful story you have to share with your daughter about bravery, conquering fears, and making the best of a “it’s not what I thought it would be” situation.
    You are so lucky to have the partner you do in this adventure and your heart will explode in a zillion pieces when you see Paul hold your baby girl for the first time, no matter when it is. The love I had for my husband grew in so many new ways after we became parents. So, you have that to look foward to too!
    Best wishes for you, Paul, and baby girl,
    Leigh

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  48. Shaina Longstreet Avatar
    Shaina Longstreet

    And this made me cry…big fat tears rolling down my face. You are B R A V E. ❤

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  49. Gemma Avatar
    Gemma

    Oh Wow, that made me cry. Whilst I didn’t have to do it without my hubby all I can say is this. No matter what life throws at you as a Mummy you get through it. Sometimes you cry, sometimes you scream and sometimes you feel like you just can’t, but you do, you just do.

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  50. Grungedandy Avatar
    Grungedandy

    I’m sitting on a bus in London reading this and I’m crying! So I can imagine how hard this must be for you but a phrase I frequently say after taking a deep breath is “this too will pass” and it does ! My gran always said ” nothing worth while in life is ever easy” So I have faith in you, you can & will do it! Hugs G

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